Women come to me and often want to solve the problem that they don't feel like having sex, or that they don't have an orgasm dur
Women come to me and often want to solve the problem that they don't feel like having sex, or that they don't have an orgasm during sex.
Both groups feel they are somehow "broken". These conversations inspired me to write about sex and orgasm during sex.
Orgasm:
Did you know that only 6% of women always have orgasms during intercourse?
According to various analyses during sexual intercourse, 50% of women sometimes have an orgasm, 20% rarely have it, and 5% never have it. And surprisingly, up to 70% of women fake an orgasm. Some once in a while and some very often and some always.
The most common cause of not reaching orgasm is (and this is unexpected) a woman's lack of knowledge about her own body, then a bad sexual position, the woman's psychological and mental state and, finally, her health.
Women have more than one type of orgasm. According to research, there are up to 11 types.
Women can experience orgasm in different ways, e.g. orgasm through clitoral stimulation, vaginal stimulation - including the G-spot, anal orgasm, or various other sensory pathways such as breast or other erogenous zones. Some women achieve only one single type, or a combination of several. Some women need stimulation of several points at once, and some women only need one point. Interestingly, the clitoral orgasm is the closest to the male orgasm.
You may have one type of orgasm all the time, or you may have different types depending on what you're doing, or you may have a mixture. You are a unique individual and your orgasms are definitely one of the most individual experiences you can have.
How to find out what specifically suits you and brings the greatest pleasure and climax?
By experimenting. Few women experiment. Few women know their body well enough to know exactly when and how it will react. She often doesn't even tell herself what she wants and what makes her feel good. The feeling of shame is still very strongly rooted in our culture. Of course, also the fear of being perceived as a whore. Honestly, it's gotten better lately, but it's still such a taboo subject that isn't talked about much. And interestingly sex is much more beneficial for a woman than for a man.
Sex even without an orgasm can bring a lot of positive psychological and health benefits for a woman.
There is no need to chase orgasm during sex.
The more we chase it, the harder it will be for us to reach it, because it will be harder to relax and we then forget to enjoy that intimate moment. Orgasm is not always important.
Before I start writing about all the positive benefits of sex for women, I need to talk about an even bigger problem for women than achieving orgasm, and that is the aversion to sex. Many women also avoid sex. The reasons are different.
The most common reasons for not wanting sex and or reaching orgasm during sex are:
- A woman's psychological state: she does not feel beautiful, attractive, may have a fear of failure, self-doubt or insecurity in or towards her partner.
- Fear of pregnancy.
- Fatigue. Not only physical, but also mental. Nowadays, a woman puts a lot on her shoulders.
- She's too in her head and can't relax. She thinks too much about things, dissects, analyses, which brings her tension, and then she can't enjoy sex so she may avoid it.
- Bad or even a very bad sexual experience.
- Conflict with her partner. Anger towards her partner (or any other negative emotion toward her partner)
The general attitude towards sexuality according to the upbringing or according to the socio-social setting of our environment:
- The idea that a woman should not enjoy it is very strongly rooted in our culture. That a woman is just a tool for a man. That if a woman likes sex, she is a whore. And even if her partner doesn't tell her that, and doesn't even think so, it can be stored somewhere deep in the subconscious of a woman.
- "In order for a man to enjoy sex with us, we have to be sexy according to society's standard of beauty - skinny, big breasts, blonde, etc." This misconception circulates in society not only thanks to the media. I think beauty is too standardised these days. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Not everyone likes the same things or have the same taste.
- A woman's misconception that she punishes a man by "not giving into him". And the truth is that she punishes herself more because sex is much more beneficial for her mental and physical health. And, of course, our partner can piss us off every day, so we can deny ourselves this pleasure very often. The less sex we have, the less desire we have for it, and conversely, the more often we have sex in our lives, the greater the desire and need for it. As they say, with practice comes taste.
note: we are talking about small conflicts, small things that irritate us that are partner does. Other issues should be solved through for exp therapy
Health condition of a woman that can influence sexual appetite.
- Frequent physical fatigue from overexertion.
- Hormonal changes such as perimenopause and menopause (see my article on perimenopause)
- Other health problems…
And last but not least, there is a surprisingly bad sexual technique or approach.
The partner often does not know how to do it, or uses the same positions or methods. The partner does not understand that we, women, are not the same as men, that it is often not enough just to stimulate the erogenous zones, that we often also need foreplay, which begins much before we even think about sex or orgasm.
It has a reason why they say that “men are from Mars and women are from Venus". According to psychological analyses, one of the male erogenous organs are the eyes, and women have the ears. That is, he gets excited by what he sees, and the woman gets excited by what she hears. Also each and every one of us have different “love languages”. Women expect one language, and their partners express their love in a different language and therefore often do not understand each other.
In what way is sex good for a woman:
- Balances blood pressure.
- It improves the immune system.
- Improves heart health, reduces the risk of heart disease.
- It improves self-confidence.
- Reduces depression and anxiety.
- Increases libido.
- Instant, natural pain relief.
- Better sleep.
- Strengthens the pelvic floor, helps against leakage of urine in later life.
- It increases intimacy and closeness to the sexual partner.
- Overall, it reduces stress, both physiological and emotional.
- Balances the hormonal system.
- It reduces the percentage of cervical cancer and breast cancer.
- Sex activates various neurotransmitters that affect not only our brain, but also several other organs in our body.
- It protects your brain. One study found that women who remained sexually active into old age had better cognitive function.
- It burns calories.
- It improves the senses. For example prolactin, which is produced after intercourse, creates new neurone in the olfactory bulb - the part of our brain that controls how we respond to smells.
- Softens the skin. You "glow" the day after intercourse. Increased circulation and a surge of oxygen in the blood means a temporarily brighter complexion. Orgasm triggers a rush of endorphins and growth hormones like DHEA, which even help heal the damage caused by thinning skin. Regular sex releases hormones including testosterone and estrogen that can keep the body youthful and vital. Estrogen also promotes soft skin and shiny hair.
- Blood detox. Sexual activity – even more so with orgasm – increases blood flow, and the blood carries with it increased oxygen and helps remove toxins, supporting the healthy function of all your systems.
- Uterus. When a woman has an orgasm, the uterus contracts. These contractions have wide-ranging benefits, including less intense menstrual cramps, faster periods, and a reduced risk of endometriosis. Sex, especially during menstruation, can reduce the risk of uterine tissue growing outside the uterus.
… etc.
Maybe you are now very surprised how many benefits it has for us.
Maybe you didn't even realise it.
If you have a problem, don't be ashamed to seek help, be it a sexologist, psychologist or any kind of therapist.
Don't stop yourself. The important thing is that you can enjoy all these benefits.
This article should not only be read by women, but also by men, because often they also do not know how many problems we, women, have with sex. I'm not saying men don't have problems, but that's for another article.
Beautiful women, allow yourselves to enjoy yourself, allow yourselves to be what you want - in bed or on the couch or on the kitchen counter, it doesn't matter. Tell yourself and your partner what you want and how you want it and what you like and don't like. Try and experiment until you find what feels good and works for you. There are two of you in bed (sometimes just one or sometimes several), but it doesn't matter how many of you are there. The important thing is that you are part of that passion, that game, that intimate moment, that overall fun.
For me, it is not a sexual act, because it degrades that moment of disconnection from this stressful life of ours.
It's a game, it's fun, it's a sport, it's a medicine for our physical and mental health. Take it as you will, but most of all, enjoy it.