An Arab in a Slovak skin or a Slovak in an Arab skin
“You don’t look like an Arab”. I have heard this sentence so many times and my answer is always the same. “How does an Arab look like?”
My mother, a Slovak, fell in love with an Arab who was studying in Slovakia. A story like Juliet and Romeo.
There are 22 Arab countries with different backgrounds, culture, history and race. Even though Arabs are united by language and by some culture and history, still Arabs are not a race. Some have blue eyes and red hair; others are dark skinned; many are somewhere in between.
When I tell people that I have lived in Slovakia for almost 35 years, they tell me “OK you’re not an Arab, you are Slovak.”. How can time spent in one country erase the other country? I speak fluent English, Arabic and Slovak. I have a large family in the Arab countries. I still have a lot of Arabic habits that I do. I love to cook and eat Arabic food. Even though I live in Slovakia and I am half Slovak you cannot erase the other half.
I am grateful for being a mix.
I am grateful that I have lived in different countries with different cultures and different religions. I am absolutely happy that I can present a different face of both cultures.
All Arabs are not the same, just as all Slavic people are not the same. Even if all 22 countries speak Arabic, there are still differences in words, phrases, intonation. Some countries have mixed English, French and other languages into the Arabic.
Although they are called Arabs, they still have a mixture of other cultures within them. For example, many Maghreb tribes (Algeria, Libya, Mauritania, Morocco, and Tunisia) have Berber blood. Some Syrians and Lebanese look like Europeans.
Oh, and another very important aspect. Not all Arabs are Muslim. Many of them are Christians or Jews. You can see many churches in different Arabic countries. And just as Christianity also Islam has different fractions. My father always said he was a Zen Buddhistic Muslim who loves Jesus.
My mother, a Slovak woman fell in love with an Arabic man who studied in Slovakia. I can say it was love at first sight for both of them. If you would have read the story about their love, you would find it even more appealing than Julia and Romeo. My mother moved with my father to a completely unknown country to her, where she didn’t know the language or the people. She fell in love. Not only with the man by her side, but with everything that his strange world had to offer. She learned the language, she learned how to cook from my grandmother, she learned the culture, she even dressed like a desert, Arabic woman. My father‘s family adored her and my mother absolutely cherished each and every person in that family. And I tell you there are many people who are a part of this clan. My father comes from 10 children. Two of them died in a young age, but the others had three or four children each. We are 35 cousins from my father side. And that’s only a part of it because in the Arabic culture family is number one. Even in the family Name we depict people of generations behind us.
My father’s name was Mhamad Nidal Abd al Quader Abd al Fattah Mahmud Saleh.
Mine is the same but you add Darina at the beginning. The names of our parents are also symbolized by the names of the oldest son. For example, my father was called Abu Dawud, which means the father of David because his oldest son was David. My grandma was called Um Nidal, which means the mother of Nidal because her oldest son was my father and his name was Nidal. There is love and pride in family. It brings a feeling of deep roots and stability, knowing that you have such an enormous background. Yes I have to say that things have changed in the past years. The new generation is not the same as before although many of my cousins really try hard to keep it the way it used to be. But you cannot stop change. Also not all Arabs are the same, just as I mentioned earlier. It’s not that it’s only different with each country and culture, but also in different families.
When I was young I hated the idea of a full family scan of the family background and history of the person you wanted to marry.
To be honest, I didn’t like the idea. But today I realize that it really was and is a good strategy. You can know much about a person from how his parents act towards each other. Who their parents and grandparents were and how honor was held in that clan. Not only if they were successful in life, but also how they treated others and how people honored them.
My grandfather was very well known and respected. He was a minister for 12 years known to never take bribes.
My grandmother was able to drive even when she was in her 80s. A strong but gentle women who people adored because she was honest and straightforward. She could kick ass. My father wrote books about the history of his people and was very well known for his fight for peace, but also accountability. My mother was a sweet and sensitive soul, who loved the Arabs so much she even wrote a cookbook in Slovak and in it she wrote different stories that the dishes reminded her of. So if you look at my background you will see that us 4 children were raised in a very strong knit, respectable, honorable family. Not saying it was always sun and blue skies. There was oh so many thunderstorms. But in the end, all of us learned from our actions and our relationships just got stronger and deeper.
My father was from Palestine, but the part of the country where he was born in was under the Jordanian government at some point so he was also a Trasjordanian. I lived in Palestine and in Jordan for a little while but afterwards we moved to Dubai and we stayed there for about 10 years. In 1986 we moved back to Slovakia.
People ask me why don’t I move back? The thing is I do not fit there, but I do not fit here either.
There are many things that I love and don’t really like in both cultures. I’ll give you an example. As a strong Arabic woman with a strong background, having a Slovak partner? or a Slovak free spirited woman having an Arabic partner? Both would go crazy.
And here comes the question that many of you may be are asking.
How is it for a woman living in an Arabic world?
My answer is, it depends. For me? I never had any problems. I always felt safe and accepted. And in many ways, my family absolutely respect women and there are many strong, successful free spirited woman in my family. Some of them have hijab (head cover) some of them don’t. And I am not the only one who got divorced and the divorce decision was on the women’s side.
What was the most difficult for me as a girl raised by an Arabic father was that when we lived in an Arabic country everything was under the same rules. So it was normal to abide by them. But when we came to Slovakia, my father tried to implement the Arabic rules into our household in a European country, but that was very difficult. I was his daughter after all. I was his copy. So there was not much options for control, even though he tried aggressively. In the end he had enough and kicked me out. Best decision ever. But difficult parent-child relationships are everywhere, no matter race, culture or religion.
I know that many of you have heard horror stories about Arabs and women.
I am not saying they don’t exist. I’m just trying to show you a different picture. So you can widen your perspective on things. Just like not all Slavic people are the same, our people are not the same. Just as all Christians are not the same, not all Muslims are the same. One thing is true. It is really difficult to live with someone who has a completely different background. Either religious, cultural, language, ethnicity or the way they were raised. If you want to get into a mix relationship, you need to know all of it. Think if it is really compatible. It is different living abroad with that person or living in his/her country. Because we change according to where we are. Many submit to their surroundings. I will act differently in Slovakia, in Dubai, in Jordan or in Palestine. I will act differently at my uncle’s place and differently at my cousins house. Why? Out of respect and to honor them. If you as my partner are not adjusting, then it would really be difficult on us both. Of course there are things I wouldn’t do, for the respect to myself, but the things I adjust to are small things that do not cut a piece of me. (Neukratia zo mna). This is for me the meaning of loving and honoring my family And my culture. Also in Slovakia I would never dream of imposing my own beliefs and habits on others.
Those who know me still know me as Darina. Not Slovak, not Arabic and also both.
They know me as Darina who added a new cuisine into their taste buds. Who taught them how to enjoy Arabic coffee, who showed them a different side of that culture, who makes them widen their horizons. It is the same for Arabs from my family who thanks to us came to see Slovakia. To taste its delicacies, to enjoy its art and architecture, to feel the power and beauty of its nature. I love to connect. So I hope I have contributed in connecting you to a different side of a culture that wasn’t and isn’t always represented in light.