Five tips for surviving DIVORCE
In 2014 I went through a divorce and now I would like to advise women on how to handle it all. A life situation that is not pleasant, but it is far from the end of the world.
I am 50 years old today (2025). I am a therapist, lecturer and a coach. In addition, I am also a successful ex-wife who is raising two teenagers. They mostly "camp" at home with me and were with their father every other weekend. At this moment I have been divorced for ten years and now I evaluate this period of my life as a great life lesson.
MARRIAGE VS DIVORCE
I married out of love. Me and my husband managed to move from a one-room apartment to a beautiful house in the countryside near Bratislava, furnished it, got two kids and a dog. However, "happily ever after" did not happen. Well, we are happy today. But each one separate from the other. I married him because I loved him. Maybe I suspected that we were not completely compatible and that we were different, but Maybe I saw marriage as a path to independence from my family, to get out and create my own household together with my partner. When I got divorced, I thought it was the worst thing that could have happened to me. But it was exactly the opposite. You only realise it over time. The reason for our divorce is not important. What is important is that the divorce was the right decision.
Getting a decent divorce is an art
Of course, I didn’t get a divorce right away. After the initial problems, we still gave everything time and tried to work on saving the relationship, but It didn’t help. We talked, argued, even went to couple’s therapies.
Today I know that divorce has to come at the right time. And it did. I respect my now ex-husband. We weren’t good for each other. There was more that set us apart than there was that brought us together. They say there is no such thing as a bad partner, only a bad combination. People can tell you that HE or SHE made a mistake, and that you tried so hard. It's always the responsibility of both partners. Would I have married him if I had known that at the time? Yes, because thanks to that marriage we have two beautiful children who I wouldn't trade for anything in the world, and that relationship taught me a lot. Thanks to that, I know what I want and what I don't want.
What was the hardest part?
Probably the hardest moment is when a person decides that it's over. That they really want a divorce and right now.
Fear manipulates us and it's hard to face it. I was extremely afraid that I might regret it. I was constantly haunted by the 'what ifs'? But then things happened that made my decision easier under the circumstances. I took it as a sign that now was the right time. My children, good friends and family helped me the most at that time. That's a big part of therapy – learning to deepen other relationships, not complaining, being able to recharge your batteries and have the strength to fight on. And then finding self-love again, taking care of yourself and setting boundaries. How do we want others to respect us when we don't respect ourselves? I understood that we must first find happiness within ourselves in order to be able to make others happy.
My F.U.F.L. Therapy
What helps to move on when a person has a broken heart and has lost all ideals?
“F.U.F.L. Therapy helped me a lot! To Find, to Understand, to Forgive and to Let go. To find the reason why we attracted specific people and things into our lives, what they reflect for us. To understand it, if it is possible, or at least to understand ourselves. To forgive the person who hurt us, but mainly to forgive ourselves, and to LET GO.
To forgive and let go means to free yourself, not to be burdened by the past. It doesn't mean to forget, but simply to really move on. Negative emotions are like chains. I myself was helped by other therapists, but also by the point of view of a good friend of mine, who is also divorced and has children, who showed me a different perspective on things. Thanks to him, I can also see it differently. It is good to have friends to talk to, to give you their views. But in the end, it is still your own decision.
How is it today?
I live alone with my kids and my ex-husband is remarried and has another child.
Do we understand each other? I think the important thing is that we try to respect each other. Just because the partnership didn't work out doesn't mean we can't be friends. Actually, you don't have to be friends, you just have to put your egos aside, especially when it comes to raising children. It took a long time for us to find common ground. Our communication is not always 'harmonious'. However, I have to praise my ex-husband, who, compared to some other men these days, who completely distance themselves from their families or fight with their ex-wives and punish them through their children, by for example not paying alimony, … etc, he is trying very hard. It's nice to realise that it is stupid to slander and criticise your ex-partner, not only in front of the children. Each of your kids have something of him and her.
However, it's not always idyllic. After all, you suddenly become the only person responsible for everything.
I currently have my own career. I work as a therapist, lecturer and coach in the business sector and, to balance my energies, I teach and lead meditation courses and other alternative processes of working with self. I have also worked as a consultant for some television programs. Sometimes there is more work, sometimes less, so it is also financially demanding. The bigger problem than finances was the fact that my ex lived abroad for a long time and I was alone for the entire daily schedules around the children from the beginning. The only driver, household manager, time manager, referee, educator, cook. This is a process that lingers until our children become completely independent. I have been trying to teach them independence from the beginning and I think, that today they are already extremely capable, which I am extremely proud of. They can cook, shop, clean, wash clothes and dishes …etc so they can stand in for me at anytime.
Do I still believe in love and marriage?
Of course I do. In this I am still naive and childish, a person who believes in romance. I think that every man in my life was the right one at the given moment and I learned so much from all of them. I am grateful to them. I believe in “Happily ever after till death do us part”. I believe in happy ends. “If its not happy, its not the end”. I love life like this.
My five tips for surviving a divorce:
- Divorce is not a failure, but it should not always be the first solution. Divorce at the right time and for the right reasons can be liberating for all parties involved. Not only for the spouses, but also for the children. Staying in a bad marriage is worse for the children than divorce, because that is what you are showing them is “normal” and they will attract similar patterns in their lives.
- Fear is natural. Making the decision to divorce is difficult. However, you have to believe that you can do it, because you can do it.
- WORK on yourself, fall in love with yourself, be your own best friend and partner.
- Don't criticise your ex. Your children have his/her DNA. Criticising your ex means criticising a part of your children. Once everything calms down, you can try to be partners in raising your children. If not, then be a good example for them on how to act and how everything in life can be handled.
- Let's not point fingers at others, because I believe in the rule that when we point one finger at others, in fact we point three fingers at ourselves. And we need to be able to admit that the fault is always on both sides. We cannot change others, we have no power over them. The only power we have is the power over ourselves, our own emotions, reactions.
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